When you think of life, you think of nothing or something. People tell you life is beautiful and full of joy, mystery, adventure, the future. Others tell you it's bullcrap and not worth living or staying sober or not under the influence in. For the first time in a long time, I finally understood.
Life is a multitude of cages. We all are trapped within our cages. What do cages do? They are to keep us from escaping. They are to protect us from most outside harm. In all honesty, it is our own cozy little prison that we can freely walk out. Do you want to be free? Are you all wanting to leave this cage that is life? Everyone thinks, "YAY, FREEDOM!"
That's a load of bull. Who would want to be free from their safe, comfortable, but claustrophobic cage? This cage that we're either contempt or fed up with? Eventually we want to get out, but the outside is terrible. It treats us worse than dirt. It fires arrows of depression and pain. These arrows do not stop and never gets easier. Those who cannot stand and take it dies. It never stops. Those volleys of arrows and occasionally bullets keep on coming. Eventually you'll retreat to that cage of comfort and solitude.
So why not move into a new cage? If your tired of the old one, you'll move to another one? Good idea, but the problem is where's the guarantee? Who's guaranteeing that this new cage will be better than the old? That question is what weighs us down. That question is what makes us afraid of change.
Why do I speak of this? I am trapped within the same cage for twenty three years. I am forced to rely on my parents and I barely have any real friends to hang with. Years of mental and psychological torture caused me to fear change. I am working in a damn ghettos at a small, dirty fast food restaurant at minimum wage. People there are mostly fine, but the building is a living pain. Barely any room, no windows (except drive-in), new employees constantly calling off or suddenly quitting (guess who has to pick up their slack?), mean and/or incompetent managers, stupid customers who are assholes and do the most incomprehensible things (like demand free food after ordering). Skin's always covered in grease.
I'm going to college trying to get an English major, but unfortunately, its my fifth or sixth year and I see old school friends on Facebook graduating and moving ahead. My family keeps pestering me about my weight and my future. I've been single since the day I was born. I want a daughter and a girlfriend, but I keep getting angry every time I see someone my age with a child and getting furious when I hear my female friends' boyfriend abusing them. Why am I not with her? Why won't she love me despite that I'm the better man? Why would they keep thinking about that abusive bastard, when I treat them more precious than a diamond? The why is what drives me mad.
I am trapped within this cage of mine. This once safe, comfy cage of mine is now my prison. Once I was a bright eyed, hopeful young kid wanting to share my stories with the world. Now I'm scared to even have my book be looked at by a friend of mine, who's a real writer. That's what I am. A writer who's too scared of freaking criticism and showing everything he's got. Pathetic.
My hobbies are no longer fun. Videogames stopped being fun, reading comic books is no longer entertaining, porn is no longer having any effect on me (and I'm a man with a lot of frustration and loneliness.) My sanity continues to degrade as I grow more and more angry and depressed at the state of my country.
I'm trapped in my cage and I'm too scared to get out. That's what is making me insane.
